Figuring It Out As I Go…











{February 9, 2008}   Dear Uncle Bill

I hope you know that I haven’t abandoned you. I realize that you’re probably keeping an eye on things, so you probably know all about my surgery, but I feel bad that I haven’t been out to see you. If I thought I could make it out there with my walker, or even wheelchair, I would have been out there already, but I really don’t think I’d make it through the rough terrain out there. I mean, I realize that it’s not the amazon or anything, but we’re talking about the girl that got herself into this mess in the first place, the same girl that fell on her crutches a few days after surgery. I feel like we shouldn’t push my limits!
I’ve found that when I don’t come see you, I miss you even more…I guess I really do need our weekly talks! More than anything though, it breaks my heart when I think about you out there all alone. Yes, I know, technically you’re surrounded by people, and knowing you, you’ve already made more friends than I can count, but it’s not the same, and in my mind, you’re alone without your family.
I guess what started this whole mess was I heard your song. You know, that one I told you about by the Dixie Chicks. Of course, I started crying, but I listened to the whole song this time, something I haven’t been able to do since you died.
I hope you know how much I love you and miss you…sometimes it seems like yesterday still that I got the call, and sometimes it seems like it was a lifetime ago. Those are the times I find myself grasping at my memories, afraid I’ll forget something about you, the way you smelled, your voice, your laugh; those are things I never want to forget about you, things I want to always hold on to!
Supposedly I’ll have this cast off in 3 weeks, then I’ll come see you. 6 weeks is the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing you! I’ll try not to let it happen again!

I love you Uncle Bill.



{December 6, 2007}   What’s New?

I know I don’t post on here often, but look, it does happen sometimes!

I’ve been in MN this week, doing some work and training in our corporate office.  I love it here a lot!  I love the cold, the snow, etc.  I’d stay here in a heartbeat!!  I was hoping to get to visit with Cheeky, but that just isn’t happening.  It’s impressive how busy one remains on a business trip!  Well, maybe next time!

On Friday and Saturday before we left for our business trip, my boss and I took her son and my daughter to both nights of Jingle Ball.  We saw Fall Out Boy, Avril Lavigne, Sean Kingston, Natasha Bedingfield, One Republic, Gym Class Heroes, Plain White T’s, and CuteIs What We Aim For (not in that order).  We all had so much fun, and it was the first concert (and 2nd) for both kids!  Yeah, I know, we’re cool moms 🙂  If you’re my friend on Flickr you can see the pics there, along with some snowy MN pics 🙂

I’ve been dreaming about my Uncle the past couple of nights.  The dreams are always scary…someone trying to hurt me, but then I see my Uncle and I feel calm, but then something happens, I don’t know what, and I’m terrified and yelling for my Aunt.  It’s been the exact same dream both times, and last night I woke myself up yelling for my Aunt 😦  I have no idea what these dreams mean or why I’m having them.  I mean, my first thought would be that I just miss him because this is my first set of holidays without him, but the scary parts make me wonder…who knows.  I just hope I don’t have them tonight!  Or ever again for that matter!

I’m second guessing surgery, which actually happens a lot lately.  I’m worried that it’s going to make it worse, or just not help at all.  I don’t know.  Part of me thinks it’s the best thing I can do for myself, and part of me thinks that it may just be something I have to learn to live with, and going under the knife won’t do anything for it…I’m open to opinions.

Alright, I think that’s it.  I need to get some work done now!



{November 22, 2007}   Happy Thanksgiving Uncle Bill

I written to you in a while, but I come talk to you at least once a week…you have no idea how much I miss you, and Thanksgiving doesn’t even feel like Thanksgiving without you…I wanted to crawl back in bed this morning when I woke up and realized it was our first Thanksgiving without you.  I know you weren’t yourself last year, but you were still here…I love you so much, more than you probably ever knew, and I’ve been crying so much lately that you’d probably smack me if you were here!  You never were one for sappiness…you probably shook your head at me when I took you your pumpkin!  Well, FYI, you’re getting a Christmas tree too!

I love you and I miss you, and the holidays just aren’t the same without you!



{September 12, 2007}   Put On Your Reading Glasses!

So apparently I’ve upset people by my post, which is fine. But tell me. Where in my post did I say that I was REFUSING to REMEMBER September 11th? Where did I say I was refusing to remember the lives lost, the heroes, or the event itself? Where did I say that? Oh, that’s right, I didn’t. I said I was refusing to RELIVE it every single year. Just like I won’t RELIVE my Uncle’s death every single year. I’ll deal with it on a day to day basis. I can GUARANTEE you my family will not hold another memorial service for him every January. We all remember and deal with it every day. Just like September 11th.

As for the families involved, military, etc. Yeah. My best friend is a Marine. My other close friend is a former Marine. Another friend that I’ve known since Jr. High is married to a man in the Air Force. Another friend from High School is in the Navy. Another friend is in the Air Force. And yeah. They all read my blog. And yeah, they all share my view that we don’t have to sit and cry every September 11th. I don’t need to pick a day to be sad about what our country has been through and overcome. I don’t need to pick a day to be proud that we’re a strong, kick ass country. Thanks though. Really. For saying I’m ignorant and NOT actually reading my post, because the things you’ve quoted me as saying WEREN’T SAID!



{July 31, 2007}   Where The Hell Is She??

I know, I’ve been a horrible blogger! But I have a really good reason:
…….ummmm……..ok, maybe I have a crappy reason:
…….ummmm……..fine, I just suck, ok! But here’s a little update ’cause I really do still love ya’ll!

Running is going great! I’ve finally found my runners high and look forward to running at night (except when I’m really tired or have something more fun to do!!) Ok, so my high could use a little work, but at least I don’t dread it now 😀 Oh, and I love my shoes like no other! Whooda thunk that shoes could make such a big damn difference!!

Sarah and I took last Friday off and went and played. We went to the Winchester Mystery House (so incredible!!!!), indulged in ‘ritas at Chevy’s then went to a Leann Rimes concert. OH.MY.GOD ya’ll, that girl can sing! She put on a great show, and the place we saw her at fucking rocked! Never have I seen such a purty place before!! So pretty, so romantic! Can’t wait to go there again, maybe even with a guy this time 😉 Oh, and we had the yummiest drink there!! An orange creamsicle. Fucking awesome, and ALMOST worth the $9 damn dollars we had to pay for EACH OF THEM!
After the concert we went to a little hole in the wall bar here in town and Sarah convinced me to sing Bobby McGee with her. It was kinda fun, and although we walked off stage by mistake before the song was over, I don’t think we did too bad…although I think I sound better in my car 😛 Now she wants me to sing Desperado with her! Oh Lord, bring on the Bacardi, or Arlene just isn’t going to have the balls for this 😉
As always, pictures are in my flickr (not of the concert though, they were literally searching bags to keep cameras out!!)

The rest of the weekend went pretty well. Visited with my Aunt and cousin Garry…they came down for a few days…always a good time! I love them so much, AND, I get to see them this coming weekend because I’m taking the boy up there 😀 Good times!

My trip to see Katie is only 30 days away! Can you guys believe it!!!! I’m so excited!!!!! We MAY be getting tattoos while I’m there 😉 Don’t be surprised if I end up with a tramp stamp 😉 Hahahaha!!! Honestly, I know the other 2 things I want, but I don’t know where I want them, so I’m curious to see how it all turns out!

Hmmm, what else….
Well, there is that other thing…but I’m not ready to share it yet 😀 Right now it’s my own private happiness and reason to glow 😀

K, I’m going to read blogs now, ’cause I love you guys and I don’t want you to think I died!!



{July 2, 2007}   Fuddruckers

Well, we made it home in one piece. We had so much fun, and it was just what we all needed! I’ve never taken the kids on a vacation before, and I’ve never gone on any real vacation like this, so it was great! The weather down there couldn’t have been better, and when we got home at 4 this morning, the kids said they wanted to go back there where it’s basically the same temp all the time 🙂 So I’m pretty sure we’re moving 😉

We ended up only doing the Zoo and Legoland. We spent 6 hours at Legoland and didn’t feel like going anywhere else afterwards, then yesterday we went to the Zoo, but Ty and Ariel were both sick by then, and Ty was NOT feeling the whole walking up and down hills just to see some animals. For rides, maybe. For animals, he wasn’t diggin’ it. So we probably only saw a quarter of the stuff there. It’s ok. I wasn’t impressed either. Seemed like every other exhibit was birds, and let’s face it, you can see birds anywhere! I’d go back to Legoland though! It was so much fun 🙂

Obviously there’s a ton we didn’t have time to do. Next time I think I’d like to go with no babies and walk around downtown SD and go through some museums and art galleries. Guess I need to start planning my next vacation 😉

So since everyone was sick (I wasn’t sick yet, just burned) I decided we’d drive home last night, which worked out great! The kids slept the entire drive, except for when I had to wake them to potty, we hit VERY little traffic, and all of the lights were gorgeous! Definitely a drive to make at night in my opinion!! It also allowed me to just zone out, listen to music, and reflect on life and such. All was going well until an old song by Randy Travis came on…it’s called Walked on Water I think. Made me think about my Uncle, which made me tear up. It’s amazing how much I still miss him and how much it still hurts 😦 Thank Bob for my Sirius, because I was able to follow that teary song up with some acoustic Dave, and then of course some Color Me Badd and NKOTB! Yes, you read that right, and I was singing along just like I was 12 again 😀 Have I mentioned lately how much I love my Sirius?? Yeah, 1276 miles driven total, with no commercials and no static. Doesn’t get any better folks!!

So, hands down, great trip. The kiddies and puppy were great, everyone had fun, and aside from my burn that required the doc checkin’ it out today, we’ve all got some great memories! I took a ton of pics, and eventually they’ll all be uploaded. At that point I’ll print some out for the kids so they can make scrapbooks to remember our trip by 🙂

Oh, my ear. It’s doing great. I know you guys were wondering 😉 I love it so much, and I’m so glad I did it!

And now, things I learned on this vacation:

  • I’m stronger than I thought, and going on vacation with my babies alone is just fine, even when people bang on my door at midnight
  • Motorcycle cops in So Cal cut through traffic at 80
  • There are only about 5 cops in all of So Cal, and none of them care that my windows are tinted
  • There are only about 4 Starbucks between here and So Cal
  • I have some of the best friends ever!
  • My car gets 30mpg even when I’m driving like an asshole in So Cal
  • SD is gorgeous, and working at Legoland will be fun
  • There are a TON more Starbucks between So Cal and here…I think they only open them and put the signs out at night
  • Swallowing knives hurts and is just plain silly…you shouldn’t do it
  • Vacation is fun, and should be done more often!



{May 21, 2007}   Protected: Changes

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{March 3, 2007}   Memorial

Today was my Uncle’s memorial. It was much easer than I thought. It was nice to hear everyone’s stories about my Uncle…stories that dated back 20 years…He really was so loved and respected!! It was also nice to see all the family I never see…all of us that only get together for weddings and funerals. Sad, I know, but it is what it is. We all shed some tears, shared some laughs, and had great food! My Uncle was a Veteran, so he’s at a Veteran’s cemetery not far from here (I drive through the town every day!!!). I want to go see him, tell him how much I miss him. I don’t think I’m ready though…soon…today, my heart has taken residence in my tummy, so I’ll wait for it to move…
My Aunt asked me to take pictures of everyone…you know, ’cause we’re never all together, so they’re all in my Flickr. I was also inspired by the look of spring outside today, so those are there too.
Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement, well wishes, and prayers. I really do appreciate them! Ya’ll may be complete strangers for the most part, but damn if I don’t feel like I know all of you!!!
I’m off to eat and get ready for my massage. Have a great Saturday!!



{February 28, 2007}   Randomness…

I was told tonight I’m selfish…not those exact words, but that was the meaning…I don’t think I am, and it bothers me that it was said!

I stayed home from work today. I threw up when I got home yesterday, and generally felt horrible. I didn’t feel much better this morning, so I figured better safe than sorry. I’m feeling fine tonight though, so I’m happy 🙂

I’ve been going to therapy. I think it’s helping…I guess. Honestly I guess I don’t really know what I think about it. She told me today she wants me to come once a week. I know I have many issues, most of them old, most of them still affecting my every day life. I hope it helps. I forgot to tell her about my nightmares. I also forgot to tell her about finding my sister…

Yup, I have a sister. I’ve always known this. My mom had her when she was 17 and gave her up for adoption. She’s 10 years older than I. I used to talk to her, until I was around 15 or 16, then we lost touch. I started looking for her a couple weeks ago, and a good friend used her powers to help me find her. I sent her an email, and she wrote me back, saying she wanted to talk to me more, and she was glad I found her. I wrote her back a freakin’ book, and I’m waiting for her response. I have no idea what she’s looking for. I know I’d like to have a sister. And she has 2 children, a boy and a girl. I’d love to be an Aunt, and I’m glad in some way I am. I feel robbed of a lot. Growing up I always wanted a sibling! I’m so glad I have 2 kids…there are so many things they won’t miss out on, things most people take for granted, like getting to be an Aunt or Uncle…

I know I’ve said this already, but my Uncle’s memorial is this Saturday. It’s weighing so heavily on my mind, and Ariel broke down and started sobbing the other day, which broke my heart. It’s going to be hard. I don’t think I ever realized how final death really is…

I’m rambling…I have so much on my mind right now…things I can’t blog about. I’m glad I’m going back to work tomorrow. It’s my grounding point; the constant in my life.



{February 21, 2007}   Random Wednesday!

I picked up my Uncle’s memorial cards yesterday. His memorial is March 3rd, and I told my Aunt I’d make the cards. I actually didn’t get far before I started crying, so John had to make them. When my Aunt said she wanted 100, I decided Kinko’s could print them 🙂 I cried when I picked them up though. He looks so happy on them…it’s how I want to remember him, but all these steps just keep making it more final that he’s gone.I may have broken one of the toilets this morning. I’ve been using this lip plumper from Avon. You put it on twice a day. I LOVE IT!! But, I may have ACCIDENTALLY dropped it in the toilet as it was flushing this morning. It’s about as big around as a tampon, and longer than a tube of mascara. John says it’s stuck. He says he’s going to have to take the toilet off and get it out of the whoop-de-doo part. He didn’t find it nearly as amusing as I did…oops!

I’ve been a good girl, and gone to the gym the last 2 nights. I think I’m out of my funk, and I’m ready to start shedding pounds again!! I have to go slow, because of my ankle, but I’m really enjoying myself 🙂

I got a call yesterday from a random guy. Apparently I dropped my business card into a fishbowl at my fav Mexican place, and I won a free lunch for myself and 6 friends. So a group of us from work are going on Friday! I’m so excited!! I’ve never won anything before!

I think I made my car mad. I put gas in it, and realized a day or so in that there was a trend. Every time I get gas at this place, my car gets a little irritated. It’s a little more so this time. When I push on the gas, it jumps a little, and I swear the Nissan symbol on my steering wheel flips me off! I was on half a tank this morning, so I put good gas in it, and I’m going to put an additive in it tonight, and hopefully it will be all happy again 🙂

Well, I think that’s all for my random post…Happy Hump Day!!



et cetera